Adult Empire Horror

I don't know about you, but every time I see a regular civilian film, I find myself wondering what it would have been like if everyone was fucking the whole time. I can't think of a single movie that wouldn't have been better if everyone was naked and penetrating each other from opening credits to ending credits.

Jews, Slaves, Orcas, Planes, Nixon, and Beheadings

I know what you're thinking right now. It's what everyone thinks when I make such a bold claim: What about "Schindlers List"? My response is always, "What about Schindlers List? You don't think it would be better with tits?"

Of course, it would. Tits are the only thing that could have made the holocaust a little better. I don't know about you, but whenever life hands me lemons, I dissociate through a regimen of masturbation and sex with whores, and it hasn't failed me yet. I don't imagine it ever will, so I'll take on the holocaust penis first. 

Don't you think Schindler was crushing pussy while creating his list? Are you fucking retarded? (if so, you better hope you're on the list. Hitler hates retards) Schindler was chest-deep in pussy everywhere he went. He is a hero. Heros always get the girls. I'm surprised he found time in his day to do anything but defile young virgins. 

Don't say it. I already know what your next thought is, and yes, "Roots" would have been much better with more fucking involved. First off, master and slave relationships abound in porn. Have you ever heard of BDSM, for fucks sake? "Roots" is already three-quarters porn. The only thing that ruins it is all of the clothing.

"Roots" has all the hallmarks of BDSM porn: whips, chains, captivity, forced labor, and everyone's favorite, rampant sexual abuse. I'm getting a stiffy just thinking about it. Holy shit. I think I just discovered why I get a boner every time I watch "Reading Rainbow."

I've got your panties in a bunder now, don't I? You hate to agree with me, but I'm making excellent points. You're searching your brain for an example I can't pornify, and I bet you think you have the key: documentaries. If you think I couldn't find a reason to jerk of to 2013's groundbreaking doc "Blackfish," then you don't know me as well as you think you do.

Have you ever seen an orca penis? It's fucking massive. I know some sluts that would love to make a captive orca's day a little brighter by offering it some human pussy. If I were locked in a tiny aquarium my whole life, I'd spend all day masturbating in hopes one day a human fell in the pool so I could ass fuck them into oblivion. 

What's that you say, Porndude reader? Did I just hear you suggest that I couldn't jerk off to Vietnam war news coverage?! First off, the only reason I'm caught up on current events is because naked news sources exist. To this day, I wouldn't have known 9/11 happened if a bitch didn't break it down for me while blowing her pussy out with a fifteen-inch dildo. 

Now your brain is scrapping the bottom of the barrel, desperately grasping for anything that I might not jerk off to. I'll end this diatribe by saying this. You don't have to turn snuff films into porn because they already are porn.

I think I have made my point loud and clear at this juncture. I can stroke my penis to anything. That's why I love porn parodies so much. They answer the question, "can this be porn?" so I don't have to. 

If you're on the market for high-quality porn parodies, let me point you in the direction of AdultDVDEmpire. Adult DVD Empire houses one of the largest collections of porn parodies you'll find anywhere on the internet. My older readers will feel like they just stepped into an adult emporium from the late nineties. 

Not only do they have a selection of fun parodies, but they also have plenty of plot-driven originals from all of the best porn studios. However, we aren't here for just any type of porn. We are here today to review horror porn.

Of all the categories on Adult DVD Empire, horror porn may be the best. I have a feeling that someone in the curation department has an affinity for this kind of shit. Whoever it is clearly knows their stuff. I bet he and I could sit and have a long conversation about the history of porn. It's my favorite topic to muse about over a few beers.

Adult DVD Empire has a classic online store design reminiscent of old eBay or craigslist. While the look may be a bit old school, it's also concise and unfettered.

The Wheres and Hows

The main menu runs along the top of the site and includes the options Try unlimited, Twitter, Youtube, AE blog, My video-on-demand dashboard, Sign in, Home, Search bar, Shopping cart, DVD, On-demand, Sales, New releases, Categories, Unlimited, Sex toys, Pornstars, Favorites, and Free and original. 

Content can be displayed in a grid or list and organized by New releases, Current best sellers, All-time best sellers, Trending, Price low to high, Price high to low, Title, Production year, or Studio.

Down the left side is a beautiful filter honed perfectly to hunt down the content you need to see. It has several layers, and you can use all or just one of them. First, select the type of product you are looking for: DVD, Blu-ray, Rental, or On-demand.

Once that is done, browse and select from an extensive list of categories that includes shit like Lesbian, Anal, Big budget, Fantasy, Holloween, Horror, Orgy, and International. 

Continuing down, the next filter is for performers. We all have favorite porn actresses that we return to again and again. Whoever that may be for you, I guarantee you'll find them here. They have all the big names, plus plenty you've probably never heard of. I certainly see all of my favorite bitches like Asa Akira, Annie Cruz, Chanel Preston, Joanna Angel, Kristen Price, Roxy DeVille, and Skin Diamond. 

Next, we have series. There are a ton of different series on Adult DVD Empire that fans eat the fuck up. Personally, I never want to fall back on shit like "Dark Angels," "Hot Chicks Big Fangs," "Fantom Seducer," "Lesbian Ghost Stories," and "The Predator."

All this content has to come from somewhere, and Adult DVD Empire only fucks with the best porn studios on Earth. If you want to know who is at the top of their game, just read the list. I see Adam and Eve, Brazzers, Devil's Films, Digital Playground, Evil Angel, Heatwave, New sensations, and Girlfriends Films.

I know living off the allowance your parents give you has left you devoid of funds, so don't worry. You can filter by price. Costs on Adult DVD Empire are as little as five bucks, so no matter your budget, you'll find something that meets your needs.

Every site needs a release date filter, especially a place like Adult DVD Empire, where they feature a lot of parodies. However, they keep it simple by offering only to show you titles released in the last year.

The penultimate menu is focused on the number of discs. For some of the longer series, it goes up to four. 

Finally, that brings us to the run time filter. Not a particularly important filter, but I'm still glad it's there.

Capital TIT Titles

Before leaving, let's take a peek at some of the content on Adult DVD Empire. I'm always curious how porn parodies will be titled and love it when a director gets it perfect. I would say that "The Rocki Whore Picture Show - A Harcore Parody" does just that. It's simple, rhymes, and fits naturally with the theme. 

Unfortunately, Director Will Ryder could not capture the same magic with "Not the Wizard of Ozz XXX." Using "not" is a common cop-out that always bothers the shit out of me. How about "The Wizard of Cock"? Or perhaps "The Pisser of Oz"? I think Will could have done a little better.

Adult DVD Empire has a killer selection of full-length plot-driven porn that will have you on the edge of your seat as you cum into a box of tissues. The site is well organized, and the filter includes everything I look for.

My only complaint about Adult DVD Empire is that it could use a little brightening up. There is no color at all. It feels a bit cold and sterile.

"Star Wars - The Last Temptation" and "Ghost Busters XXX" are patiently waiting for you to bust a nut to them, so don't disappoint.